the end of all sanity
by Silverblue-Tink
Summary: Severus Snape let's everything go with a little help of his beloved Lily Evans Potter.


He pushed his wand back into the pocket of his cloak and then held his hands stiffly beside his body. He stared at the boy from a distance and felt a deep emotion cutting in his insides. He almost wished he could raise his wand again and shoot it away but he was a smart man and he knew he couldn't do that. So instead of doing what he wanted to do he stood there, watching the boy laugh with his friends. He found them rather stupid. How foolish the young people were these days and he thought back of his own childhood.  
_'What's wrong with him?'  
'I don't know, he's always like that, weirdo!'  
'They say he's mad.'  
'Who wouldn't be with a face like that! Snivellus! Snivellus!'  
_He grabbed onto the wall before falling down and breaking. He looked around quickly to make sure nobody could see him like this. How hard it had been to build up the status he build, he wouldn't let those young people see how broken he was. Torn into a hundred pieces by no less that that boy's father. The chosen one, he laughed, just the attitude like his father, the rudeness, wanting to be the hero, a million friends surrounding him while he… _'Snivellus! Snivellus! Hey you! Big nose over there!'  
_He would detroy him! Potter, Black, Lupin, all of them! But instead of destroying he didn't do anything, he let them hurt him, let them torment him for years… why? He knew why! He knew why he could never hurt them back or why he could never hurt young Potter… because of her. With her long hair as silk, hanging around her beautiful face, her kind smile looking over at him while the others cursed at him. How her gentle hands once in a while would grab his and how they connected in a way he found special enough to bare with all the others.  
'Professor? Are you alright? You look a bit pale?' A cheerful blond girl swayed around him with bright eyes and a rather weird dress. Luna Lovegood was just on her way to get her wand out just in case he was hurt, cursed or something else when Severus came back to reality again.  
'Leave! At once!' He startled her, that was obvious as the girl's smile faded, she raised her eyebrows, stared a little and then skipped away singing a cheerful song. The song was familiar…  
_'Do you have to be so mean to those children? They are children you know.' _A woman in a white dress appeared in front of him. His eyes brightened up as he saw who she was.  
'Lily?'  
_'Severus, you mean man, what happened to that beautiful person you once was?'  
_'He doesn't excist anymore Lily. You're husband…'  
_'O Severus surely you know that kind person is still within you.'_ The lady vanished and he was alone again. Severus walked away from the room he had been standing in front. He walked toward his office as he spotted him again. He wondered, wondered if he knew what happened years back? He did after all see a small piece of it. What an idiot he was, thinking about that while teaching the boy to protect himself from mind invaders.  
'Professor? Professor?' Harry came closer, Snape wanted to vanish but that would be rude.  
'Yes?'  
'Snivellus.'  
'WHAT DID YOU SAY!' He grabbed the boy by his neck and held him up in the air. Potter's breath was heavily and Snape found this sound comforting, he wanted to pay him back for everything but then he saw something, something appearing just behind Potter's head.  
_'You know you can't do it Severus. You promised you would protect him, for me Severus, so I could love you forever.'  
_'But you don't love me!' he shouted. 'You don't love me you never loved me! You love him!'  
'L… let…. G.. g… go.' Harry eyelids were getting heavy but nobody could help him. They were the only two standing in that hall, that hall in front of his office. Right? The only two?  
_'Severus, let him go! Let him go!' _Severus broke, he dropped Harry and ran into his office, shut down the door and cried. He cried like a boy, the little boy he was. He cried as if he just came back from class and as if he was bullied again. He cried until his eyes were soar and the tears had dried.  
_'You're weak as always Snivellus.' _  
_'Weak and sad, sad little boy, where's your mummy?'  
_'Leave me alone! You're dead, you are dead!'  
_'Are we really Severus? We live in your mind, don't we Severus?'  
_'Yes. NO! go away! GO AWAY!'  
_'Do you want me to leave to?' _Lily appeared once again. _'Wish granted.'  
_Severus was alone again. The darkness closing in on him once again. He loved her so much but she came with them. She always came with them but he couldn't resist her. He couldn't live without her face, without her smile and those eyes… those eyes that lived in their son. Their son which he had to protect but who looked so much like his father.  
Just a few months later, when he stood there on the roof, killing Dumbledore. The only person who Harry could really depend on, the only person who was clever enough to solve the puzzle. He killed him. Killed him even though he was told to do so and he stood in front of that boy, his eyes, those eyes, mad and he saw her reflection in them on that day he made the mistake to say she should just break with James and choose him.  
And now, lying on the cold floor, blood pouring out of him, unable to move through the pain with that boy so close to him and the truth was finally out. His tears softly breaking the pain in his face. His hands suddenly touching his as comfort.  
'But why?' Harry asked as he tried to mend Severus with his wand and all the spells that he could think of. 'Why didn't you just tell me sooner! You wouldn't be here now if you had done so!'  
'Yes I would but sooner. Then I wouldn't be able to watch those eyes for so long.' He managed to bring his hand up to the boys cheek. 'Just like your mother…'  
'But…'  
'I really hate you.' He saw the eyes of the boy turning angry again and he smiled. 'For looking like him because your mother is so beautiful. Her… her..'  
'Eyes.' Harry finished and he shuddered. Was it getting colder again? Severus felt it to and his smile grew as a little white light evolved itself into the beautiful woman again.  
'Lily.' He whispered with his last breath. His soul leaving his body. Harry's last tear dropped onto his already cold cheeks.  
_'It is time for you to come with me Severus. Thank you my love.'  
'I cannot go with you Lily.' _Lily looked befuddled as he let go of her hands. _'for you will never be mine and I only ever wished for you to be mine.' _He stroke her face with his fingers and smiled. _'We are free and I don't know where I want to go but I know I could not watch you love another again.'  
'I will never really be gone.' _She kissed his cheek. _'Goodbye Severus.' _He watched her leave, looked one last time at his deserted body and the boy who closed his lost eyes and he knew he was at peace, for the first time in his life, he was at peace._  
_


End file.
